Reducing Friction with Age - Be a simple man

Last weekend, I went to the Phi Phi Islands. It’s a one-hour boat ride from my condo here in Ao Nang Beach.
I’ve been meaning to visit Phi Phi for many years. This is where I stayed: Phi Phi CoCo Beach Resort. It’s a lovely resort. Lots of bamboo.

It’s hard for me to write when I’m traveling. Too much friction for my brain.

Okay, so now I’m back at my desk. I’m ready to write. It’s Monday morning. Bright and early.

Wow, bond yields just hit a 20-year high, oil is way up too, I need to add bananas to my grocery list, good for muscle cramps, what did she mean in that message, let me read it again, my Sonos music app isn’t working, I need calm music to write, my emails are not loading, what’s wrong with my WiFi, maybe I should reboot the router, let me first check the signal on my phone, 33 people killed in another attack, this military, that military, little men, human stupidity, the receptionist downstairs messaged me, I received a package, I didn’t need that second cup of coffee, one of the light bulbs is out, I need to replace it, I better start the wash, my gym shirts stink, add almond milk to my list, my tenant from the other side of the world is complaining about her toilet, maybe I should tell her to fix the damn thing herself, I wonder what’s in that package, wow, bitcoin is up too, I should’ve bought more, another Facebook friend suggestion, she’s cute, do I know her, I need to use the toilet, again, maybe I should go for a quick swim to work off the caffeine, I still regret saying that to him 15 years ago, let it go Peter, seriously dude, change the music from Bach to Spanish guitar, better for writing concentration, I want to go back to Ko Lanta for the yoga, did he reply, I better check my phone, I’m hungry, I should eat something…

I get distracted easily.
These days it’s hard for us to stay focused. Our attention easily gets hijacked with modern technology.

Before I go to bed, I like to have a clear idea of what I’ll do in the morning.
Analyzing notifications, messages, and news headlines are never part of the agenda. Neither is regret, rumination, or guilt. But, one way or another, all that stuff can easily creep into my head.

I still need to remind myself to put the phone down. Out of reach. Like leaving it in the other room. I also need to remind myself to think about what I’m thinking about.

Often, the greatest obstacle to doing what matters isn’t a major crisis, but the accumulation of hundreds of minor distractions.

I consider these distractions “friction.”

What is Friction?
I think friction is an invisible tax on our lives.
It’s anything that unnecessarily distracts from what matters most – for me it’s reading, writing, pursuits, people, purpose, a swim at the beach when the tide is up. When the tide is low, my hand touches the sand with each stroke. More friction.

The Paradox of Friction
Not all friction is worth eliminating. Traveling around Japan for six weeks was full of friction. Good friction. Fascinating friction.

Exercising when I’m tired, working through a difficult relationship, or struggling to write something useful, all cause friction. I know it’s healthy friction because I feel better after.

But there’s a difference between productive difficulty and unnecessary friction.
Repeatedly responding to preventable problems, pointless arguments, and irrelevant news consumes energy without providing corresponding benefits, or meaning.

Some friction helps us grow. Other friction can wear us down. Wisdom is learning to recognize the difference.

Reducing Friction with Age
As an older man, I crave a simpler life, one with little friction, and spending more time in a flow state. In his groundbreaking work, Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi shares his research in Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. It’s a great book.

When I was younger, I could tolerate enormous amounts of friction. Getting educated, building a career, starting a business, raising a family, being part of a community, accumulating assets, pursuing financial security, and establishing myself. I accepted complexity as the price of ambition.

As I’ve grown older, I recognize I have less physical and mental energy. But more importantly, I’ve become increasingly aware of the value of my remaining time.
Our perception of time influences our priorities.

Reducing friction is an expression of that change.
I often ask myself, whatever I’m doing, is this how I want to spend my time?

At this stage of my life, I plan to keep simplifying. I want to be a simple man.

Simple Man
I love a simple life.
I think the advice in Simple Man, is valuable. In the song, a mother explains to her son how to live a good life.

I think the message to her boy is about minimizing friction - to avoid becoming so consumed by the pursuit of wealth, status, and external validation to the point of losing touch with himself.

Much of our friction comes from allowing external demands to determine our internal experience.

A simple life means no longer needing to impress anyone. As far as I’m concerned, all the people I ever wanted to impress are now dead anyways.

In 1973, Lynyrd Skynyrd released this song written by Ronnie Van Zant and Gary Rossington. When I listen to it, I’m reminded how friction can turn us in the wrong direction.

Simple Man, by Lynyrd Skynyrd, 1973 

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
…
Take your time, don't live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass
…
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
…
Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul
…
Boy, don't you worry... you'll find yourself.
Follow your heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.
And be a simple kind of man. 

The simplicity Ronnie sang about wasn’t a lack of ambition. It was freedom from unnecessary ambition, unnecessary friction.

Reducing friction

Material friction –
Everything we own creates some degree of responsibility; properties, possessions, subscriptions, maintenance, technology. Even financially rewarding assets can impose an ongoing cost in attention. Personally, I want to own less of everything.

Relationship friction –
Some relationships nourish us; others drain us. We need to recognize the difference between genuine mutual care and unnecessary emotional turmoil. We can be compassionate without being endlessly available.

Digital friction –
The endless invitation to react and interact – notifications, messages, headlines, etc. Modern technology has made it possible for almost anyone, anywhere, to interrupt our day. But accessibility is not the same as obligation.

Internal friction –
Sometimes the greatest simplification is learning to let go. Regret, resentment, rumination, comparison, guilt, and the endless need to control outcomes. We can simplify our possessions and silence our phones yet still carry enormous friction inside our minds.

Conclusion
I’m happy to be living in Thailand. It’s a simple life here.
But one thing I’ve learned for sure is that geography alone cannot deliver simplicity.
We still carry the demands, habits, anxiety, and obligations of our previous life.

We can change our location without changing the complexity of our lives.
Perhaps the real work of aging is learning to subtract. Subtracting the things that prevent us from what makes life meaningful.

Every unnecessary obligation, every distraction, comes at a cost. That cost is my time, my energy, my attention. Resources I can’t replenish.

Being a simple man does not mean wanting less from life but wanting more of what matters.

I’m very happy to say one of my daughters will be visiting me in Thailand this week. She will spend the next few months traveling around Asia after just graduating from university.

Be well, friends, reduce friction.
Peter